Question of the Week
I have heard that Adam had a first wife before Eve called Lilith. She refused to subordinate herself to him, and so she was replaced with Eve. I see no mention of this whole idea in the Torah, so is it true?
Answer
Yes it's true, but not quite as you say.
Authentic Jewish sources speak of a demonic spirit who preceded Eve as Adam's female companion. She was not a physical person, and so she can't be called his wife. But she is still around to this day.
You see, before Adam had an actual relationship, he had the desire for a relationship. This desire begins as a physical urge, a selfish need for gratification.
This base desire is personified by Lilith, Adam's imaginary first partner. She represents the desire for relationship that is impersonal, animalistic and pleasure driven.
But that is not a true relationship. Because beneath our desire for gratification is a deeper desire to connect, to give and to love. Adam could only find Eve after he first overcame his selfish desires. He had to banish his woman of fantasy to make way for a real relationship with a real person.
Only when he saw a relationship as a holy union of souls, as an opportunity to give as well as to receive, to care and love as well as to be cared for and loved, only then was he ready to meet Eve, a real woman, his soulmate.
For Adam, the first man created by G-d's hand, overcoming selfish desires was not such a challenge. But for most men, and many women too, it can be a big one. Lilith is lurking in our fantasies and on our screens, ever trying to lure us into her distorted version of love. But in the end, a relationship with Lilith only produces more demons. Only Eve, a real, loving and lovable person, can be the mother of life.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
Sources:
Medrash Haneelam, Zohar Chodosh 16b
Pri Etz Chaim, Shaar Krias Shma Sheal Hamita 11
Tanya Chapter 7, note at end of chapter
The legend of Lilith as an actual wife is from Alpha Beisa deBen Sira, an apocryphal work that is not accepted as Torah truth.