Question of the Week
My relationship is over. After three turbulent years, two canceled wedding dates, and at least five attempts to walk away from it, I knew I had to end it once and for all. But it’s eating me up. He is truly an amazing person, everything I ever wanted in a man. I left home and moved to the other side of the world for him, believing that we had a future together, dreaming of the family we would build together. But the bottom line is, he doesn’t know how to be in a relationship. It’s not his fault. He never had a family growing up. I finally had to say enough is enough, I can’t take the false promises and empty words any more. It’s been two weeks and I’m still devastated. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. I really believed he was my soulmate. How can I get over it?
Answer
You need to sit shiva. You have just suffered a loss, and it needs to be mourned.
The dream you had, the world you knew, the future you expected has died.
It will take more than two weeks to accept this new reality. Three years of emotional investment does not disappear overnight. Like mourning a death, there is a process of absorbing the loss that takes months.
You know that you did the right thing. It is clear that, without him making significant changes, this relationship was going nowhere. He may or may not make those changes. You can’t do it for him. And you have waited long enough. Better it ends now.
But even if your mind knows that you did the right thing, your heart still feels the pain of loss. So now, you have to sit shiva. Take some time off to let yourself cry, allow yourself to feel the loneliness, and allow others to comfort you.
During shiva you don't make plans for the future. You know you are in a temporary state of extreme emotional turmoil, which is not the time to make big decisions. Just let the flow of emotions take its course, and don't get stuck in any of them. They will pass.
While sitting shiva, you cover the mirrors, so you can't see your own reflection. Don't be harsh on yourself, and don't look behind you. Just live day to day. Hold strong onto your faith. Things will be good, even if you can't see that now.
And maybe for a moment, you will be visited by someone you have never met before - your future self, you in a couple of years from now. And this is what the future you has to say:
Everything you have gone through has made you who you are. You are lucky. You could have made a big mistake. You got out of it just in time. And now, look at me. I am you in the future, happy and married and living the life you were always meant to. Looking back, it was all worth it. You’ll see.
When a person dies, the pain remains even after the shiva and year of mourning. But after the death of a dream, the pain does go away, as another better dream emerges.
Mourn what you have lost. I am sure he is a great guy. But he is not your guy. Care for him enough to let him move on to his soulmate, and you to yours.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss