Why Can't I Find the Man of My Dreams?

Sunday, 5 May, 2019 - 9:17 pm


Question of the Week:


I am forty now and still single. I have met dozens of guys, but none are right for me. I know what you are going to say: I am too fussy. But I can't just settle on something half good. Where is the man of my dreams?




It doesn't make sense. You are a wonderful person with so much to offer. Why are you still alone?


There could be many reasons why someone may find it hard to find a partner. But I think in your case, the answer is simple. You are not available. You're already married. 


You are involved in a longstanding intimate relationship with an imaginary man, Mr Right. You have conjured an exact picture of the perfect husband, and you are so in love with that image, you are not open to anyone else. No matter how great the guy is, he can't compare to your dream.


You have become stuck in a bubble with your imaginary love, and are not open to real people. So you haven't really met dozens of guys. You never actually meet anyone. You see them not for who they are, but rather for who they are not - the imaginary Mr Right. For no real man can compare to an imaginary one. 


A relationship means connecting with an other, someone who is not you. You can't have a relationship with a figment of your own imagination, or with your own assumed caricature of another person. You need to step out of your own mind with its rigid expectations, suspend your prejudices and really open yourself to meeting someone else on their terms.  Let yourself be surprised. Otherwise, the man of your dreams will stay right there - in your dreams.


I apologise for being so harsh on you. I just want to burst your bubble, because there is a real person out there waiting for the chance to meet you. He deserves it. So do you.


Good Shabbos (from New York),
Rabbi Moss 

Comments on: Why Can't I Find the Man of My Dreams?

Patrick M Ireland wrote...

I fear your response might be seen as "Compromise."