www.nefesh.org.au | Blogs | Weekly Email by Rabbi Moss

Chicken Soup Jews

Sun, 27 Feb 2022 10:20:00 PM

Question of the Week

I want to increase my Shabbos observance. I have resolved to light candles at the correct time, starting this week. One question I had. Why do we light specifically two candles?

Answer

A lot of people call themselves "culturally Jewish." They feel connected to the Jewish people, are active in the community, advocate for Israel, and may attend shul on major festivals. But they don't keep Jewish law.

For example, when it comes to Shabbos, they will argue that the laws are not important, it is all about family time. If you come to Shabbos dinner, whether you walk or drive doesn't make a difference. As long as you eat chicken soup, it doesn't matter if it was cooked before Shabbos came in or after. These people believe it's all about the feeling, not the little details. Let's call them Chicken Soup Jews.

On the other side of the spectrum, there are some Jews who are scrupulous in their observance of Shabbos, keep every law down to the last dot, but do it without joy. They keep Shabbos neurotically, obsessing over what you can't do and making the day of rest into a day of stress. Let's call them Chicken Coup Jews.

Both are missing something. Chicken Soup Jews have their heart in the right place, but Jewish feeling without observance is wishy-washy and short lived. And the Chicken Coup Jews are indeed truly committed, but their robotic observance can become dry and uninspiring.

The only Judaism that survives and thrives is a Judaism of passionate commitment, observance with feeling, the forest and the trees. When I am Jewish in my heart and in my head, in my kitchen and in my office, in what I do as well as what I say, that is living, breathing Judaism.

That's why we light two candles, to symbolize the duality of Shabbos. There are the laws we have to keep, as well as the meaningful messages we have to remember. There is the technical side of Shabbos, its rules, as well as the meaning that those rules are supposed to bring and the feelings they arouse. There is structure, and there is soul.

When you study the laws of Shabbos and appreciate their deeper meaning, you have the best of both worlds. You really can have your soup and eat it too. The Shabbos rules are not there to make you feel couped up, they are there to free you from the mundane, so your soul can fly.

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

NOTE: Before marriage, girls light one candle only. For more info click here

Is Euthanasia Dignified?

Sun, 20 Feb 2022 7:25:00 PM

Question of the Week

I visit my 92 year old mother every day in her old age home, and every day I look around at the seniors there and ask myself the same question: why does G-d leave these old people to die without dignity? Every one of them needs someone to feed them, wash them, even take them to the bathroom. I have faith, but this thing really makes me angry. Why can't they die with dignity?

Answer

It is so hard to see a loved one fade after living a vibrant and active life. How we approach this painful stage will depend on our perspective. And the Jewish perspective on the end of life differs greatly to much of mainstream thinking today. To approach life and death the Jewish way, we need to make sure we have that perspective very clear.

It often happens that immoral ideas creep into the minds of even those who have otherwise good values. Usually, the way these concepts infiltrate is via catch phrases and clichés. First they enter our vocabulary, then they become a part of our mentality.

One example is "dying with dignity."

That phrase is poison. It originates in the movement promoting euthanasia. This is a phrase that deserves to die.

True dignity comes from the soul. The good deeds we do in our lifetime, the meaning we bring to our days, the beauty and joy we bring to those around us all come from the soul.

Our body is the vehicle for our soul. It is through the body that our soul achieves goodness in this world. And this goes both ways. We do good for others with our body, and others can do good for us. We give and we receive.

Towards the end of life, as the body's strength wanes, we become more dependent on the care of others. There may be some rather unpleasant tasks required in order to bring comfort to the body. Those who are charged with these tasks should view them as an honour. There is no greater dignity than to serve another human being in need.

This is not to belittle the pain of seeing a loved one suffer. The body's deterioration can be extremely hard to witness. But some of the most awe-inspiring displays of selfless and unconditional love happen in these final stages of life. These acts of pure giving are among the highest examples of the goodness of the human spirit. That is living with dignity. That is making the world a better place.

We end our life in the same way we started it, dependent on the love of others. Your mother is blessed to spend her final days in good care, surrounded by those who love her. That is a most dignified departure from this world to the next.

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

Is This Story About You?

Sun, 13 Feb 2022 7:36:00 PM

Question of the Week

My non-Jewish friends and colleagues often ask me: What is Judaism?

They are not looking for a complicated thesis, just a simple response. How would you sum up a 4000 year old culture in a few words?

Answer

'Judaism' and 'simple' are not often found in the same sentence. But to attempt to answer this, we first need to define what Jews are, then we can define what Judaism is.

The Jewish people can best be described as a spiritual family. We are connected by our souls, and every Jew is a part of this invisible web by virtue of our Jewishness. You can either be born into the family or join by choice. But once you are in, you are family, no matter what.

If Jews are a family, the Torah is the family rules. It recounts the family history, defines the family identity, and lays out the expectations of how members of the family should behave and the good they can contribute to the world.

Some of the Torah is universal, but much of it is about our particular family and its relationships - with our brothers and sisters, our ancestors, our homeland and the Head of the family - G-d.

If you break the rules, you are still a member, because family is family. But those who keep the rules keep the family together. Those who reject the rules usually find their children or grandchildren will drift away from the family entirely, not even knowing what they are leaving behind. But they can always come back. You can never really leave the Jewish family.

So if the Jewish people are a family, and the Torah is the family rules, what is Judaism

Judaism is a story. The story of a family.

Every family has its story - its joys and its conflicts, its high moments and its not so high moments. Parents are sometimes proud of their kids or disappointed at them; children follow their parents' ways or rebel against them. But throughout the family dramas, they remain a family.

Judaism is our family story. But not a story to just read, a story to live. We are the characters of the story. The story is bigger than you or me or any one person. But it is about you and me and every individual Jew. Each one of us, through our relationship with G-d and the Jewish people, continues the story that is Judaism.

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

You Don't Need a Health Crisis

Sun, 6 Feb 2022 9:55:00 PM

Question of the Week

This is out of left field but maybe you can help. A religious Jewish guy works in the office next to me. I just bumped into him as he was walking out of the men's room, and I said hello. But he was talking to himself. He held up his finger to tell me to wait until he finished his "conversation" and then greeted me back. No one else was around, and he wasn't on the phone. At first I thought it was bizarre behavior but have come to learn that maybe there is something religious behind it. Is there?

Answer

You have just witnessed one of the most powerful religious moments in the universe. And it usually happens outside the men's room.

Your colleague was not talking to himself, he was talking to G-d. He was saying thanks for the ability to go to the bathroom. There is a short prayer of gratitude recited by observant Jews every single time they relieve themselves:

Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, who has formed man in wisdom, and created within him numerous orifices and cavities. It is revealed and known before the Throne of Your Glory that if but one of them were to be blocked, or one of them were to be opened, it would be impossible to exist even for a short while. Blessed are You, Lord, who heals all flesh and performs wonders.

This is nothing short of amazing. Going to the bathroom is not usually seen as a transcendental experience. And yet here we take this less than pleasant bodily function, and use it as a means for appreciating the miracle of our existence.

Many people turn to G-d after surviving a serious illness. We turn to G-d after going to the bathroom. Which goes to show, you can appreciate your health without having to endure a health crisis. What a relief.

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

Should We Say Thanks for Suffering?

Mon, 31 Jan 2022 6:26:00 PM

Question of the Week

If you believe everything happens for a good reason, should you be thankful for any suffering or trauma you experience?

Answer

The Talmud has an interesting angle on that.

The Mishna (Brachot 54a) teaches:

Just as we bless G-d for good things, so should we bless Him for bad things.

This seems to say that we should make no differentiation between good news and bad. Whether we just won the lottery or our house burnt down, we should bless G-d in exactly the same way.

But the Gemara elaborates:

When we hear good news we say, "Blessed are You G-d, King of the Universe, Who is good and does good."
When we hear bad news we say, "Blessed are You G-d, King of the Universe, Who is the Judge of truth."

Those two blessings are clearly different. When we win the lottery, we praise G-d for His goodness. Not only is He good, but He does good that we can experience as good. However, when our house burns down, we humbly acknowledge that G-d is the one who decides our fate.

So, the Gemara asks, what does the Mishna mean by "just as", implying some parity between good and bad tidings?

Answers the Gemara:

We should accept both good and bad news with joy.

Joy? I should be as happy when my house burns down as if I won the lottery?

The great Talmudic commentator, Rashi, explains what the Gemara means by joy:

When you bless G-d for a painful experience, do it with a full heart.

This is teaching us something very profound.

When bad things happen to us, we feel pain and we cry. We know it is bad. Even the Mishna called it bad. And yet, we bless G-d. And we say the blessing with joy.

Joy does not always mean smiling and dancing. Joy means being fully engaged in the moment, no matter what is going on. We can feel sad, but we must never disengage, switch off, despair or become bitter. Living my life as it is, with a full heart and hopeful soul, this is joy.

Sometimes G-d sends me moments of light. I love that, and am thankful for it. Sometimes G-d sends me moments of darkness. I may not like that, but I acknowledge that the hard times come from Him, just as the good times do. Ultimately, I thank G-d even for the dark times, because they are an inexorable part of my story.

In the midst of pain, I can look up to G-d with a full heart and say, "I am here in this moment, a difficult and painful one. You have put me here. Which means I am in the right place. This is my life, and I am living it. And I know that it will be good. Thank you."

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

Why Wave Hands at Candle Lighting?

Sat, 22 Jan 2022 10:24:00 PM

Question of the Week

When lighting Shabbos candles, why do we wave our hands three times inwards before making the blessing? I saw my mother and grandmother do it, but no one can explain it to me, other than saying we are bringing in the Shabbos energy???

Answer:

Resting takes a lot of work. Many people are great at achieving, but find it hard to stop achieving. They know how to do, but don't know how to just be. Shabbos is the day of rest, and to do it right you need to know what resting means.

Resting is not doing nothing. If it was, there would be no reason to feel rejuvenated after a rest. Not doing may not drain us, but why should it replenish us?

True rest is the ingathering of our soul energies. After expending our powers outward, we draw our energies back inward. During the work week we are pulled in all directions, and our frantic activities drain our soul. The creativity and inventiveness that lies within has been exhausted, and so we need to draw our energy back to its source to be replenished and renewed.

This is symbolized by the waving motion inward at candle lighting. We are beckoning our soul energy to come back to its source. For six days we were outward beings, investing ourselves in the world around us. On Shabbos we pull back, holding our energy in to regain focus and balance.

The idea behind waving the hands three times is that our retreat from the externalities of life happens on three levels: action, speech and thought.

One level of Shabbos is the level of action, where we refrain from doing actual work. But a deeper level is the level of speech, when we refrain from even talking about work related matters. We don't make deals and we don't plan for the week ahead. Today we are holding our soul energy close, only using it for enhancing our inner life - our connections with family, friends, community and G-d.

And then there is an even deeper level of Shabbos, the level of thought. When we reach this level, we feel as if our weekday life doesn't exist, all our work is done, and we don't have a worry in the world.

So when you wave your hands, have in mind that you are about to enter a realm of inner rest, retreating from the superficial world and all its demands, on three levels: You will stop working. You won't even talk about work. And you will even stop worrying about it.

When all those external layers are gone, what is left? Just you, your soul, and the relationships that really matter.

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

Should Spouses Be Inseparable?

Tue, 4 Jan 2022 6:44:00 PM

Question of the Week

Do a husband and wife need to be together 24/7? Is it ok to have a life outside of marriage? I sometimes feel guilty if I spend time alone or with friends, as if I should always include my spouse in everything I do. But then sometimes I feel smothered and need some space. That also makes me feel guilty. I am happily married but not sure what's right here. Any help you can offer?

Answer

Love is like a fire. It can generate a lot of light and a lot of warmth. But to keep any flame alive, it needs to be fed. If you don't keep throwing logs on the fire, it will fizzle out and there will be nothing left.

The logs that fuel love are time spent together, shared experiences, and emotional bonding. Without this nourishment, even the strongest love can dissipate. If we become too distracted with other things, if we are too busy for each other, the love goes stale and we soon drift apart. Like a fire unfed, a love unattended eventually burns out.

But logs are not all a fire needs. A fire also needs air. All the wood in the world will not be enough to maintain a fire if the fire can't breathe. And the same goes for love. To be able to love, we need space for ourselves, we need some oxygen. Without it, we lose our individuality, we have nothing to bring to the relationship, and we become boring.

Allowing each other to explore interests, maintain friendships and have quiet time outside of marriage is not a threat to the relationship. On the contrary, it strengthens it, because a relationship means connecting to someone else, and to be someone else you need to have a life. For someone to love you, there has to be a you, independent of your partner.

Of course this has to be within reason. The fire needs air, but you don't want to blow out the flame by creating too much space. Most of the time you should want to be together with the one you love. And any other friendships or activities that your partner is uncomfortable with should be avoided. Your marriage always comes first. But if you truly love someone, you have to let them exist outside of you, and you need to nurture your own existence too.

The Talmud teaches, "If husband and wife are worthy, the Divine presence rests between them." This means that for G-d to be there, you need some space between you for Him to rest.

I recommend you study and observe the laws of Mikva. They will provide your marriage with a framework to keep on fueling your flame, while giving it air to breathe.

Don't feel guilty about being your own person. That's who your spouse fell in love with in the first place.

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

Can Israel Haters Celebrate Xmas?

Tue, 4 Jan 2022 6:43:00 PM

Question of the Week

As a believing Christian, I made a recent pilgrimage to the Holy Land. I was profoundly disturbed by the Jewish state and its criminal occupation of the West Bank. The international community has condemned this time and time again. How can you justify usurping land that belongs to others?

Answer

You are entitled to your opinion on the matter. But I hope you are consistent in your beliefs.

Being that you oppose a Jewish presence on the West Bank, I assume you will not be participating in any Xmas celebrations during the coming days. According to your view, there is no reason to be merry on December 25.

The Christian holidays celebrate an event that you have named a criminal act - the birth of a Jewish baby to a Jewish family in the West Bank town of Bethlehem. Your views should not allow you to have any part in this cheer, for if you did you would be giving retroactive approval to a Jewish settlement on the West Bank that dates back more than two thousand years.

Perhaps you will be joined by the UN and other humanitarian organizations around the world condemning any celebrations that are connected with this controversial birth, as such events would be recognizing the rights of a Jewish family to live on what you see as occupied territory.

However I must warn you, by espousing this view, you are vastly outnumbered. Millions of people worldwide who celebrate Xmas are clearly saying that the Holy Land, in its entirety, has always been the home of the Jewish people.

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

Should We Think About Death?

Tue, 4 Jan 2022 6:42:00 PM

Question of the Week

The question I'd like to ask you has to do with preparing to die. Many of my friends who are in their 70's are making arrangements for their Jewish burials so that the burden won't fall on their children. Is this appropriate? Or are we to simply leave our final requests in writing for our family when we are no longer in this world?

Answer

You know the story of the charming husband who bought his wife a burial plot for her birthday. The next year he didn't buy her anything. When she asked why, he responded, "I bought you a gift last year and you didn't use it."

It's a horrible joke. But even bad jokes have some truth to them. The sages advised us to purchase a burial plot even while we are still alive and well. And it is commonly said that doing so will actually bless you with a long life. So this guy's wife should not need to use his kind gift for many years to come.

Although this blessing is not written in any classical Jewish source, it is possible to explain it psychologically. The fear of dying, like the fear of anything, saps our energy. Buying a burial plot may help normalize death, and thus allow us not to be preoccupied with it.

Another suggested explanation: It is ordained in heaven how much income each person makes in a year. This includes the burial society. A certain amount of money will come in each year from burials. Unfortunately, they make a living from people dying. That means a certain number of funerals have to happen each year. Each one of us has a year that it will be our turn to support the burial society. But if you pay for your funeral costs in advance, then the burial society can receive the money that is coming to them, and you can live on in good health for many more years.

Death is an unpleasant topic. Our emphasis should always be on life, not its opposite. But on occasion, a gentle reminder of our mortality can motivate us to use our time wisely. May we all live for many years, and may those years be filled with meaningful days.

Good Shabbos,

Rabbi Moss

Sources:

Shu"t Chasam Sofer Y"D 330

Shu"t Yismach Yisrael (R' Shimon Yehoshua Hariri) Siman 53

Orchos Rabeinu Hekehilas Yaakov (Steipler Gaon) 4 p108

Shu"t Kochvey Yitzchak 1:22 in name of R' Yechezkel of Shinov

Toras Menachem 3 p188 (the Rebbe)

Is This Something to Worry About?

Sun, 12 Dec 2021 7:36:00 PM

Question of the Week

I have been looking for work for the last six months. I got rejected from three positions that I really wanted, though I was certainly qualified and could have done well with any of them. The rejection is taking its toll, and the worry that I wont find a job is bringing me down, which makes it harder to find a job, which makes me more worried, and the cycle goes on. I know I need to stop worrying, but how do I do that?

Answer

I know a big worrier. Everyone told him that worrying doesn’t help anything. One day he realised that 90% of the things he worries about never even happen. His conclusion: Worrying does help.

And he is right. Worrying does help. But you don't have to be the one to do the worrying. You can outsource it. Let G-d worry for you.

It comes as a surprise to most of us to learn that we are not running the universe. We are only given control over a small sliver of reality. We choose our behaviour, our actions and reactions. We do not choose what impact our actions will have. Whether we succeed or fail, whether we are accepted or rejected, whether we are appreciated or misunderstood is not in our control.

It would be unfair of G-d to make us responsible for a problem we are powerless to resolve. We can only do what we can do. We can make plans, and we can take precautions. They may or may not be successful. That is G-d’s problem. So let Him do the worrying.

Try this little worry-delegating meditation: Close your eyes, and breathe deeply and slowly. Envision your worries as a weight you are carrying on your shoulders. Each time you exhale, release some of the burden from your shoulders, and transfer it over to G-d. Repeat this several times, until you feel light and unburdened.

Then turn to G-d and say, “I need a job. But there is only so much I can do to make that happen. The rest is Your problem. I will do my part. I will seek out work and follow every lead that comes my way. But whether I succeed or not is out of my hands. Because I am in Yours. Which is fine with me. So G-d, I give my worries over to You. I will now get on with what I have to do.”

This is not easy to do. But it is liberating. Give it a try. And if you are concerned that it might not work, don’t worry. That’s G-d’s problem, not yours.

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

Source:
Psalms 55:23 “Throw your burden onto G-d, and He will nourish you.”

Hey Siri, I'm Sorry!

Sun, 5 Dec 2021 6:36:00 PM

Question of the Week

Should we say thank you to Siri? Same for Alexa, Google Assistant etc. After asking for directions, or the weather, or a conversion of pounds to kilos, should we say thank you for the answer we hear? What would the Torah say about showing gratitude to artificial intelligence?

Answer

Let’s first define the purpose of saying thank you.

Some would suggest that it’s just good manners. We say thank you to be polite. Life is more civil when our interactions with others are sprinkled with expressions of etiquette and courteous pleasantries. It’s just nicer that way.

If this is the reason to say thank you, then we should thank our software too. By doing so, we create a sense of decorum and civility. It doesn't matter that the technology has no feelings. Our thank you doesn't have feelings either. It’s just protocol.

But there is another way of looking at thank you. It is an acknowledgement of choice. When someone does me a favour, they could have chosen not to. Yet they chose to give me their time, energy, attention or resources. So they deserve my gratitude. I appreciate that they chose to share themselves with me, so I say thank you.

This only applies to a free agent who can choose. An inanimate object does not deserve thanks, because it did not choose anything. We don’t thank the oven for the food, or the car for the ride. We need not thank Siri for her answers. She didn’t choose to share her knowledge with us. We control her. The choice was ours, and she is merely the tool.

(You may have an obligation to thank the tech giants who made Siri. But you thanked them plenty when you paid for the device. And you continue to thank them by giving them your personal data.)

Now you may ask, is there anything wrong with saying thanks to Siri? Isn’t it at least ingraining a good habit?

No it isn’t. Thanking a robot is the beginning of a very dangerous habit. It is the automation of relationships. And history has taught us how dangerous that can be.

Adam and Eve knew that G-d was their Creator. But their grandson Enosh invented idol worship, and people started bowing to the sun. Their rationale was that the sun provides us with the light and warmth that makes our food grow and gives us life. We should offer the sun our gratitude for the blessings we receive.

Their mistake, however, was giving credit where no credit was due. The sun has no choice but to shine. Thanking the sun, rather than G-d who created it, was an easy way to avoid a true relationship. The sun does not expect anything of me. G-d does. Idol worship is impersonal and undemanding. It releases you from the obligation to follow a moral code. That’s why it is attractive, and that’s why it is dangerous.

Replacing G-d with an idol undermines our moral responsibility. And treating human inventions like they are humans will undermine our relationships.

Real people are demanding. They have their own opinions and needs. They can hurt us and be hurt by us. They can bring us joy, and we them. Our actions toward other people matter, our words have impact, our relationships are real. That is because people have free choice. We can't control them. They are free agents.

Siri doesn’t come with all that baggage. Her offense is not real, her friendliness not genuine, her assistance not by choice. When you humanise Siri by thanking her, you are de-personalising friendship, you are befriending an idol. It is a small step from artificial intelligence to artificial emotion. We don’t want to go there.

It is wrong to use people, but we can use Siri. And I don’t think we should be thanking her. She is not a she, she is an it. Save your gratitude for the real people in your life, who have done good for you when they could have chosen otherwise.

And by the way, thank you for the question.

Good Shabbos and Happy Chanukah!
Rabbi Moss

Sources:
Maimonides Laws of Idolatry 1:1
Tzemach Tzedek Derech Mitzvosecha Mitzvas Milah 3

How to Fix Your Internet Addiction

Sun, 28 Nov 2021 7:32:00 PM

Question of the Week

I need some help. I fell into some very bad habits on the internet. I knew it was wrong, but it became addictive. I am in therapy and doing much better now, but I wanted some spiritual guidance. I feel like I will always be contaminated by the inappropriate images that I subjected myself to. Can I ever get rid of the stain it has left on my soul?

Answer

I commend you for facing your problem, one more pervasive than most of us would care to admit. It sounds like you have made good progress with your therapy, and I hope you also avail yourself of the wonderful resources at www.GuardYourEyes.com.

Alongside the work you are doing, there is an additional practice you can try.

You can kasher your mind.

Just like a non-kosher kitchen needs to go through a cleansing process to make it kosher, your mind needs kashering from the contamination it has experienced.

We kasher a kitchen by applying a blow torch to the surfaces that came into contact with non-kosher products. You can do the same for your mind.

But before you reach for a blow torch, please read on.

Everything we see is stored in our memory. Our eyes take in the images, scenes and sights that flash before us, sending them to our brain, where they become a part of our consciousness. Sight is the gateway to our soul.

This is why the Torah tells us to guard our eyes, as we say in the Shema prayer: "Do not stray after your hearts and after your eyes." Because once you let an inappropriate image in, you can't unsee it. Those less-than-holy sights (and sites) remain imprinted on our soul.

But we don't have to be haunted by these negative visions forever. We can cleanse our eyesight, by using our vision for holy purposes.

There is a mitzvah for every sense in the body. We hear the Shofar. We taste the Matzah. We smell the Havdalah spices. We touch the Lulav. And on Chanukah, we look at the candles.

Immediately after lighting the Chanukah candles, we sing a song called "Haneros Halalu." It includes the following line:

These candles are holy. We are not allowed to utilise them, only to look at them.

This is saying that the Chanukah candles are not to be used to toast marshmallows or even read by their light. They are just there to look at. And when we do, something awesome happens.

The mystics explain that the Chanukah candles have the power to cleanse our sense of sight. The candles we light today have the holiness of the Menorah in the Temple in Jerusalem. Just by looking at them, the holy flames illuminate our vision and sanctify our eyes.

This Chanukah, when you light your candles, have in mind that you are bringing the light of the Holy Temple into your home. Sit by the candles and stare deeply into their light. Allow their sacred glow to pierce your eyes and penetrate your mind. As you do this, some of the contaminated visions of your past are burnt away. Your memory is being kashered.

While you clear away the bad, you have to replace it with good. Fill your mind with the Divine wisdom of Torah. Crowd your memory with the profound words and empowering teachings of our great sages.

You are on a good path. Like the Chanukah candles, keep adding a little more light every day. The fire of Chanukah will clean your eyes, and the fire of Torah will cleanse your mind. No blow torch needed.

Good Shabbos and Happy Chanukah,
Rabbi Moss

Sources:
Imrei Noam, R' Meir Horowitz of Dzikov
Ramban Bamidbar 8:2
Sfas Emes Chanukah 5640

My Relationship Is Over

Sun, 21 Nov 2021 6:31:00 PM

Question of the Week

My relationship is over. After three turbulent years, two canceled wedding dates, and at least five attempts to walk away from it, I knew I had to end it once and for all. But it’s eating me up. He is truly an amazing person, everything I ever wanted in a man. I left home and moved to the other side of the world for him, believing that we had a future together, dreaming of the family we would build together. But the bottom line is, he doesn’t know how to be in a relationship. It’s not his fault. He never had a family growing up. I finally had to say enough is enough, I can’t take the false promises and empty words any more. It’s been two weeks and I’m still devastated. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. I really believed he was my soulmate. How can I get over it?

Answer

You need to sit shiva. You have just suffered a loss, and it needs to be mourned.

The dream you had, the world you knew, the future you expected has died.

It will take more than two weeks to accept this new reality. Three years of emotional investment does not disappear overnight. Like mourning a death, there is a process of absorbing the loss that takes months.

You know that you did the right thing. It is clear that, without him making significant changes, this relationship was going nowhere. He may or may not make those changes. You can’t do it for him. And you have waited long enough. Better it ends now.

But even if your mind knows that you did the right thing, your heart still feels the pain of loss. So now, you have to sit shiva. Take some time off to let yourself cry, allow yourself to feel the loneliness, and allow others to comfort you.

During shiva you don't make plans for the future. You know you are in a temporary state of extreme emotional turmoil, which is not the time to make big decisions. Just let the flow of emotions take its course, and don't get stuck in any of them. They will pass.

While sitting shiva, you cover the mirrors, so you can't see your own reflection. Don't be harsh on yourself, and don't look behind you. Just live day to day. Hold strong onto your faith. Things will be good, even if you can't see that now.

And maybe for a moment, you will be visited by someone you have never met before - your future self, you in a couple of years from now. And this is what the future you has to say:

Everything you have gone through has made you who you are. You are lucky. You could have made a big mistake. You got out of it just in time. And now, look at me. I am you in the future, happy and married and living the life you were always meant to. Looking back, it was all worth it. You’ll see.

When a person dies, the pain remains even after the shiva and year of mourning. But after the death of a dream, the pain does go away, as another better dream emerges.

Mourn what you have lost. I am sure he is a great guy. But he is not your guy. Care for him enough to let him move on to his soulmate, and you to yours.

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

Is Climate Activism a Jewish Issue?

Sun, 14 Nov 2021 5:49:00 PM

Question of the Week

I am a climate activist trying to galvanise support for sustainable living from the Orthodox Jewish community. My question is, are there any no-go areas, red lines, or issues I should be careful to avoid when approaching religious Jews on the topic of sustainability? I want to be sensitive to people's beliefs while raising awareness about this vital cause.

Answer

The Torah observant community should be your easiest customers. Our tradition is clear about the responsibility we have to care for our world.

Every child attending a religious Jewish school knows that the Torah forbids us to waste any useful resources.

The kabbalists taught that every leaf on every tree has a soul, and must be treated with respect.

And our sages record G-d's words to the first man, Adam: "Look at the beautiful world I have created. I have created it all for you. Take care not to corrupt and spoil My world, for if you do, no one will come after you to fix it."

Nevertheless, some overzealous climate activists do hold positions that clash with Jewish values. If you espouse these extreme positions, you have little chance of success.

Here are some examples:

"The end of the world is near." Jews are not big fans of apocalyptic prophecies and doomsday predictions. Other religious groups may be getting ready for Armageddon, but we have always believed in a happy, bright and peaceful future. The claim that "we have five years to act or it will be too late" was said five years ago too. People, including scientists, are notoriously bad at predicting the future of a dynamic and ever-changing world. We can still be inspired to live responsibly without being scared into thinking that the world is about to end.

"This is THE issue of our time." The Torah does not allow us the luxury of being single-issue activists. Caring for our world includes not only preserving the physical environment, but it also includes tending to the spiritual, emotional and moral environment around us. While we all have our passions and topics of particular interest, we cannot focus on material survival and ignore other threats to humanity. We don't really know which issue is the most pressing. Moral depravity may pose a greater risk to human life than carbon emissions. We have to be holistic in our activism.

"Overpopulation is a ticking time bomb." People may cause problems. But people also find solutions. Those climate activists who portray humans as the enemy, lose the support of we who believe that every person is an irreplaceable gift. The argument that population growth is the greatest threat to our future, does not go down well with proponents of G-d's command to be fruitful and multiply. Every soul that is born is precious. An ideology that wishes to limit human reproduction is anathema to everything Jewish. We can't save the world for our children by not having them.

So if you want Torah-observant Jews to be on side, you need to present a non-alarmist, balanced and pro-human platform for sustainable living. And one more thing. Don't push the vegan thing. You will get a very parev response.

Good Shabbos,

Rabbi Moss

Sources:

Rambam Hilchos Melochim 6:8-10

Midrash Koheles 7:13

The Meanest Father in the World

Thu, 4 Nov 2021 10:54:00 PM

Question of the Week

A question for you that I have been wrestling with. Much of the liturgy praises Hashem for kindness, compassion etc. In what way is Hashem kind? Looking around the world I can see a lot of evidence to the contrary.

Answer

It is a great question. How can we call Hashem kind when He seems so cruel?

My children say the same thing about me. My four-year-old calls me the meanest father in the world. He wants to exchange me for a new one.

And he has several good reasons for disapproving of my fatherhood.

Often he asks me for lollies, and I say no. For every ten requests he makes for treats, maybe once do I let him have one. Yesterday he was begging and screaming and crying just for one lolly, and I coldly refused to give it to him. How could I not be moved by his tears? Mean.

The other day I grabbed his hand as he was about to run onto a busy road. I pulled him so hard that his arm hurt. What type of father does that? Mean.

I took him to a doctor to get his vaccinations. And I just sat there as the doctor poked a big needle into him. I did nothing to stop this attack. Should a father and protector sit passively and watch his child being hurt? Mean.

And the worst thing of all, I put him to bed earlier than his brothers and sisters. They get to stay up and play while he has to go to sleep and miss out on all the fun. What did he do wrong to deserve that? Why am I punishing him unfairly? There can only be one explanation. Mean.

There is no justification for any of this in the mind of a four-year-old. He can't understand that I do it all out of love and care for him. He doesn't consider the fact that I also feed him, dress him, take him to the park, and provide all his needs. He can't see the irony of calling his parents mean, when it was his parents who gave him life in the first place.

A little kid can't be expected to appreciate all this. A child lacks perspective, doesn't see the full picture, and can only react to his narrow experience of reality. It's not his fault. That's how it is meant to be. A child is supposed to have a child's view. Maybe it's good that he thinks I'm mean. Maybe it will make him stand up and prevent the suffering of others. I don't mind when he protests my apparent cruelty. But I can't explain it to him either.

So I will continue to love him, and do what's best for him, even if he calls me mean. Hopefully, he'll keep me on as his father. And one day in the future, he will understand what he can't imagine now, that I'm not so mean after all.

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss